Shortly after I finished writing the first part of Bullies & Bullying, a 15 year old girl named Phoebe Prince, originally from Ireland, and living in Northhampton, Massachusetts, hung herself. Her suicide followed incessant bullying inside and outside of school. Phoebe herself asked school personnel for help. Her parents also contacted school authorities on at least two occasions about their daughter's predicament. Little or nothing nothing was done about it.
A few weeks later, a second suicide took the life of an 11 year old boy who had been taunted by peers for supposedly being "gay." The child hung himself using an extension cord. Again, the school district was implicated for having done nothing, despite the fact the boy's mother had filed several complaints with the district for inaction.
Although the schools may not have legal responsibility for stopping bullying behavior, they certainly have the moral and ethical responsibility to do so. But, when they are unresponsive to student and parent pleas for intervention, or when bullying programs are clearly ineffectual, how is one to proceed? Although many do so, why should a child have to transfer from one school to another to avoid being a victim? Or, should a child continue to suffer at the hands of other students due to the failure of adults to provide a safe and secure environment at school?
I think not.
In my private practice, I have found that many children and youth strive to do what teachers and administrators tell them to do with respect to bullies. Most kids are told to simply ignore bullies: Good policy when it comes to verbal abuse, perhaps, but ignoring someone who is pushing you, or tripping you, or hitting you . . . that's damn tough! But, many kids do try to ignore physically aggressive peers, with the result that they get victimized again, and again, and again. The continuing victimization only feeds feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, the cornerstones of depression.
In the first part of Bullies & Bullying, I suggested that school personnel may do little or nothing to help kids who are being harassed and victimized by their peers, this despite the fact that many districts have zero tolerance policies and bullying programs to prevent student aggression. But, zero tolerance policies are of little utility, for they often target the student who is victimized as well as the student who is the bully. Children who fall prey to bullies may be unfairly disciplined for having done nothing!
As a psychologist there is little I can do to promote change in the many schools and school districts my young clients attend, but I have developed a somewhat controversial way of helping students cope with bullies and bullying. It consists of "going by the book," and if that fails, falling back on the "law of the jungle," a phrase I use that harks back to Evan Hunter's book, Blackboard Jungle, and the movie classic of the same name.
Playing it By the Book
When a child reports that he is being bullied by another child or children, and if it is a continuing problem --and assuming he has done nothing to provoke aggression -- I first recommend he (1) report it to his teacher. If the bullying continues, or the teacher fails to respond, or if after teacher intervention the bullying continues, the next step is to (2) report it to administration, typically the assistant principal. If the bullying still continues, or if the administrator fails to respond, the next step is to (3) involve parents if that has not already occurred. The parents should then request a conference with teacher(s), guidance counselor(s), and administrator(s) in attendance to see if the matter can finally be resolved.
Most of the time -- but not always -- involvement of parents puts school personnel on high alert, and the bully soon feels the heat and ceases his or her aggressive behavior. That is especially true if the parents are influential in the community or otherwise have pull. In some cases, however, school personnel continue to look the other way, or worse, find fault with the student who is being victimized. It also happens that things get better for the victimized child for a time, then fall back into their previous pattern.
The Law of the Jungle
If reporting bullying to teachers and administrators falls on deaf ears, and if parental involvement with school administration fails, and only in the case that no weapons are involved, the time has then come for the child who is being victimized by a bully (or bullies) to take the matter into his or her own hands. The Law of the Jungle comes into play. The child must stand up to the bully, and be ready to fight back.
Preparations are necessary.
First, the parents of the child must be informed that because no civilized remedy seems possible, a more aggressive approach to bullying -- "taking a stand" -- must be considered. Although the potential legal consequences for taking a stand are likely small, these should be discussed with parents. In my experience, most adults readily endorse a more aggressive approach. That is especially true of fathers when it comes to sons.
Second, the child and parents must accept the real possibility that the child may be injured in an altercation. Most children are pleased to have adult permission to take a stand, and many are fearless.
Third, the child must understand that if a fight occurs in school, he or she may receive disciplinary sanctions. This usually involves a brief suspension. Again, most are accepting of this, particularly when parents signal their acceptance.
Fourth, the child must be instructed to wait for provocation, then confront the bully verbally. Physical force should be used only if the child is threatened directly. (Some bullies will back down once a child confronts them verbally, but most will not).
Fifth, the child should be shown how to block and throw a punch, especially a jab. A jab has the greatest chance of landing successfully.
Finally -- and this is most important -- the child should be told that he or she need not win a fight in order to succeed in thwarting a bully. Most bullies are cowards, and will soon find another victim who will not fight back. Taking a stand is more important than being a fighter.
Now, I understand many psychologists and educators will find fault with what is clearly politically incorrect guidance on my part. The reality is that the Law of the Jungle often holds sway in schools and certainly in neighborhoods, however, and that is particularly true when adults have abdicated their responsibility to enforce sanctions.
I would welcome any feedback to what is a somewhat controversial position.
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